The Colour of Magic - Pages 45 - 60

"Rincewind reached the Broken Drum at a dead run, and was just in time to collide with a man who came out backwards, fast. The stranger's haste was in part accounted for by the spear in his chest."

My reading of this book is weird because this seems to me like an exciting chapter opening, even though the only difference between this page and the previous is that the number of this page is a multiple of 15. Still, it's exciting and suspenseful!

So Rincewind has gone back to the inn (this must still be flashback) to find a rather extreme brawl going on (stabbings and bitings and crossbowings, oh my!). Rincewind runs upstairs, distracts someone with mumbo-jumbo, and then kicks him in the groin.

This is actually amazing.

Twoflower is asleep but is disappointed that Rincewind didn't wake him up for the brawl, as he wants to experience 'genuine Morporkian life'. Oh dear, it seems that Twoflower has been reading too many fantasy novels and has a rather idealised version of life on the Discworld. He'd probably get on well with Anne Shirley.

A book series I WON'T be reviewing, but
maybs Twoflower's been reading it?

Rincewind isn't a fan of heroes (this books seems to want to unglamourise them lol) and he lies to Twoflower about who some of the people in the tavern brawl were:

"The enormity of this lie was so great that its ripples did in fact spread out on one of the lower astral planes as far as the Magical Quarter across the river..."

Oh dear.

Twoflower has a camera and no-one knows what it is. Is the Counterweight Continent much technologically advanced? Also a MYSTERIOUS ALBATROSS OMG. Also Twoflower is an insurance agent (is his original language English?? In that case what does Rincewind speak) which Rincewind also cannot understand.

Twoflower is so absurdly rich that he's just buying everyone off and taking photos of them.

LOLOL Rincewind stole some the photos of the Whore Pits to keep for himself

Wait, there's a little man in the camera? That's not technology. Also has Twoflower been kidnapped??? Oh well I know he'll meet up with Rincewind again because we're still in FLASHBACK LAND

Oliver Twist - Book the First, Chapter the Eleventh

Treats of Mr Fang the Police Magistrate, and furnishes a slight Specimen of his Mode of administering Justice

Dickens has some great names, doesn't he?

What would I do without Google Images?

I'm going with the theory that his name is an unsubtle metaphor and that he will be horrible. Like everyone else in Oliver's life ever.

Continuing straight on from last chapter (which I read like a week and a half ago but I won't re-read it because this book is QUITE BORING), Oliver is escorted to a nearby police station after being arrested for stealing. The old gentleman, however, appears to be having second thoughts.

"'There is something in that boy's face,' said the old gentleman to himself as he walked slowly away, tapping his chin with the cover of the book in a thoughtful manner, 'something that touches and interests me. Can he be innocent? He looked like - By the bye,' exclaimed the old gentleman, halting very abruptly, and staring up at the sky, 'God bless my soul! where have I seen something like that look before?'"

Apart from saying 'something in his face touches me' (lol), this paragraph is interesting! Does this man have some connection to Oliver's past?

So a footnote has revealed to me that Mr Fang is based on the real life Mr Laing, who sounds delightful (he was fired after whacking a doctor on the street and calling him a 'damned blackguard') and Dickens got his description of Fang by being smuggled into Laing's office and observing him! I know some of Oliver's life is semi-autobiographical for Dickens, but I didn't realise bad-ass ninja skills were on the table.

LOL, the gentleman gave Mr Fang a card with his name on it and Mr Fang was all like 'I just threw the card away, who are you?' And now they're having a fight LOLOL. Hopefully Oliver escapes/gets off? I really don't want him to end up in jail.

Well, at least Mr Brownlow seems to have realised that it wasn't Oliver's fault and doesn't want him to get in trouble. Also the officer is lying for Oliver because he's too scared to answer Fang's questions! I am liking that officer.

Yes.

Oliver is sentenced to three months hard labour BUT LUCKILY the keeper of the book stall has come to Oliver's rescue and testified for him. Yayy! Um lol, Mr Brownlow actually stole the book he is reading! That is hi-LAR-ious.

Oliver, the book stall keeper and the old gentleman ride off in a coach together. And Oliver is treated well in the next chapter! He must go back to Fagin at some point though which sucks.

Also, I've been thinking about it and I don't think reading more than one book at a time is actually the most efficient way to run this blog. All the books are getting mixed up in my head. So I'll finish the ones that I'm reading now and then we'll see what happens.

I was going to write a separate post with my review of House of Leaves (which I read all in one go while I was away) but it was TOO CRAZY (good though, I'd recommend it) so I won't.

Gone - Chapter Six

290 Hours, 07 Minutes

Sam, Quinn and Astrid are still walking along in the dark in what is a TERRIBLE IDEA. It's very, very quiet (no cars and things to make noise) and dark. They briefly consider the fact that there will soon be a lot of dead babies in the world but then put it out of their heads. Too much to think about.

Wait. Venus is missing?? Is this some alien thing? I'm loving how I have absolutely no idea what is going on right now. I anticipate an extreme plot twist soon.

They then have a conversation which I will reproduce here as it is win:

""Let’s keep moving," Sam said. "We should have brought bikes or skateboards." "Why not a car?" Quinn asked. "You know how to drive?" Sam asked. "I've seen it done." "I've seen heart surgery performed on TV, too," Astrid said. "That doesn't mean I'm going to try it." Quinn said, "You watch heart surgery on TV? That explains a lot, Astrid.""

LOL, yes Sam, that would have been clever. Astrid, <3 <3 <3. Forever.

Okay, now they're at the hotel tennis court and there's a weird 'membrane'? This is aliens, isn't it. Damn you Michael Grant. Is just just in a family of alien authors? The barrier is slightly reflective and cuts straight through the net. It burns Sam's hand when he touches it (WHY SAM, WHY) and Quinn has a little spaz and attacks it with a chair.

And now we switch to a new character, Albert. (What happened to about-to-be-eaten-by-vultures-girl? Did she die?) He goes into a McD's but feels bad about going behind the counter. He also gets WITTY LINES (reminds me of Quinn). All of Albert's family (including his wheelchair-bound mother :-( ) have disappeared. He decides to take control (I guess he counts as an orphan now? I'm loving all these badass orphans n the books I'm reading) and starts serving some other kids.

(I turned the page and the first word of the next chapter is 'Lana' so I'm guessing she's not dead yet).

Anne of Green Gables - Chapter Nine

Mrs Rachel Lynde is Properly Horrified

I hope that this chapter lives up to my expectations because they are quite high! And now while flicking through the book I have discovered that chapter 16 is called: "Diana is invited to Tea, with Tragic Results"! I officially appoint chapter 16 my new 'chapter that I'm looking forward to' chapter.

Anyway, Rachel has been sick for two weeks but as soon as she's better she dashes off to Green Gables to check out Anne. Typical stalker behaviour. We learn that Anne has been exploring and 'made friends' with the spring, as well as naming all the trees and bushes. Matthew and Marilla are quite enchanted by her stories (although Marilla isn't ready to admit it yet).

"'Well, they didn't pick you for your looks, that's sure and certain,' was Mrs Rachel Lynde's emphatic comment."

Oh RACHEL. How rude!

OMG Anne just called her on it!!!! BAMF BAMF BAMF

OMG this paragraph has made the entire book worthwhile for me. And Marilla points out that calling an orphan skinny is offensive! Rachel is very offended, and tells Marilla that she's had 10 children (and buried 2 :-( ) to beat Anne with a stick. Oh dear.

Rachel then 'waddles' away (she's fat lol). Marilla tells Anne to stay in her room until she's ready to apologize, but she's on Anne's side because Marilla's aunt was mean to Marilla when she was little and Marilla was amused at Rachel's expression.

This chapter DEFINITELY lived up to my expectations. I actually do not want to throw this book away right now like I did before.

The Colour of Magic - Pages 30 - 45

Okay, so we're still in flashback time with Twoflower, and now Rincewind is in the bar! So we get to see how they met I guess. And learn some Rincewind backstory at the same time: after an 'unfortunate event' Rincewind dropped out of mage school only knowing one spell.

I thought he was all qualified and stuff? Flawed heroes can still be good heroes though. And now we learn that the chest is enormously valuable! And Rincewind can speak Trob, Twoflower's language.

"Rincewind thought that a meeting with most of the Drum's clientele would mean that Twoflower never went home again, unless he lived downriver and happened to float past."

LOL LOL LOL.

Rincewind is now choking on his beer at the knowledge that Twoflower comes from 'The Counterweight Continent'. I assume this is on the other side of the Discworld and balances it?

Lol Twoflower has $$$ and doesn't realise the exchange rate. Good thing he's hired Rincewind as his guide!

Oh no Rincewind has now been blackmailed into looking after Twoflower. Politics, eh?

Gone - Chapter Five

291 Hours, 07 Minutes

It's nighttime oh noeeees

Okay, all the kids steal chocolate and soda (typical) but Sam pays for his. I am actually not really digging Sam's whole 'Mr Perfect' thing going on. It's annoying. Astrid probably paid as well but she's all rational which I think I prefer to Sam being all moral. Also: I predict Sam and Quinn will have a FRIENDSHIP BREAKUP sometime.

""Sam, do you think it's safe to go to my house? We have to get something." Sam shrugged. "Bette, I don't know any more than you do.” Bette nodded, hesitated, and walked away."

Sam = leader, even though he doesn't want it! Excuse me while I collapse under the weight of other books that have used this trope.

Okay the bullies have looted sledgehammers and bats from the hardware store :s whyyyy do these people exist

Astrid's brother (who I had COMPLETELY (or should that be com-petey LOL) forgotten about is nowhere to be found! But didn't they already establish that he was in the nuclear power plant? Also Quinn is flippin' out and I bet he'll run off or do something stupid and Sam will have to rescue him omg I will be ragin' if that happens because could Michael Grant have written some more original characters (except don't change Astrid, I'll love her forever).

Although Astrid believes in God (siriusly, Astrid? Oh well is guess she is ONLY FOURTEEN) she gets this fab line:

 "Sorry. I have this annoying tendency to analyze what people say. You'll either get used to it or decide you can’t stand me."

Um, is Astrid a fictional girl version of me???

I'm excited like this woman who may resemble Astrid!

 A brief tangent about the word pedantic, which Astrid uses to describe herself: when I was 13 (or maybe 14? IT'S A SIGN) my English teacher told me I was pedantic. And when I looked it up he told me that it just proved his point. I find this GROSSLY UNFAIR. And it was the beginning of my hatred of the subject English, but I'm getting off topic.

They have now decided to go to a luxury resort at night BECAUSE THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. hey, why don't you investigate that nearby haunted house in your most revealing underwear while you're there? Siriusly. Also, there is a conflict being set up between Sam and the bullies. This WILL be explored later in the book.

Oliver Twist - Book the First, Chapter the Tenth

Oliver becomes better acquainted with the Characters of his new Associates, and purchases experience at a high Price. Being a short but very important Chapter in this History

That's right guys. It's a two sentence chapter title. Except the chapter titles of this book are actually summaries and I could probably just read them all instead of the book. It would be quicker. I'm on page 73 now and the last page is 455 so I'm 16% through (and by the end of this chapter it'll be 17% LIKE A BOSS)

So, (dammit, there it is again!), Fagin kicks Dodger and Charley down the stairs when they return empty handed, but Olly (this is how I will refer to him from now on) is all like 'oh yeah, that's "stern morality". Um. No. No it isn't. It's child abuse. Thanks for playing.

Olly begs and begs and finally gets a chance to go outside and pick pockets! Probably every boy's dream (I certainly wouldn't mind the skills that Dodgy and Charley have demonstrated.

Ending the names in -y makes them easier to type and they sound better in my head, so I'm sticking to it.

LOLOL, Olly still hasn't twigged that they're thieves? This will be amusing then.

I wanted to tag the characters but this isn't Facebook

Oh no, 'Mr Brownlow' is so engrossed in his book that he won't notice himself being robbed. Um, except he's in "low London of low London". Is he stupid? What does he expect? And now he thinks it was Oliver (I've changed my mind about 'Olly') and Oliver's running away.

Footnote interlude: Punch kills his wife Judy, and then gets away with it by hanging the hangman. If only getting off a murder charge was that simple.

Oliver has been arrested! But he didn't even do it and when they check they'll find that he doesn't have the handkerchief OH WAIT CORRUPTION NEVER MIND

Anne of Green Gables - Chapter Eight

Anne's Bringing-up is Begun

Another short chapter yay! Short chapters are good because it means I have to spend less time reading this boring, boring book. I don't even care that the sticker on the front proclaims the book to be in the Whitcoulls Top 100 List. Although I've just checked it now and it's no longer on the list. Twilight managed to make it to #2 though!

The REAL cause of the disappearances in Gone.

So, anyway, (man, I should really stop starting my sentences with the word 'so'), Marilla decides to keep Anne (I knew it!) and Anne cries tears of joy. Of course Marilla will kill that buzz:

"'I suppose it's because you're all excited and worked up,' said Marilla disapprovingly."

Dear orphan: Please have THE BEST NEWS OF YOUR LIFE but your emotional reaction terrifies me as I am a very old woman who has never known love

Well good thing Anne's to call her Marilla because that's all I'll be calling her. Marilla then flabbergasts Anne by explaining that she never imagines things to be other than they really are. Oh Marilla you realist you. Realism/Idealism CONFLICT.

"'Here is something for you to notice, Anne. When I tell you to do a thing I want you to obey me at once and not stand stock-still and discourse about it."

Laying down the LAW.

Anne then gets down to work learning the Lord's Prayer, and we learn about Diana Barry, a possible friend for Anne. I do hope Diana is like Rachel and Marilla and that Anne will convert her. Anne then talks about her imaginary friend Katie Maurice (they were 'very intimate'), and her other imaginary friend Violetta (who was AN ECHO) but Marilla is all go to your room you fickle fool and Anne is all blah blah blah.

Then Anne calls herself 'Anne of Green Gables' THE BOOK TITLE ZOMG.

And tomorrow I get up to chapter 9 which I have been waiting for for a while!
PS: Although it's tomorrow for me, it won't be tomorrow for you, dear reader, because I'm going away the day after that and so am scheduling my reviews automatically over the next week. So you won't get to read my review of chapter 9 until Thursday I'm afraid. No more weekend posts.

The Colour of Magic - Pages 15 - 30

It starts on page 15, I didn't miss anything, don't worry.

Terry Pratchett uses such exciting words! Bifurcated: split into two parts. Octarine!

"By now the whole of downtown Morpork was alight, and the richer and worthier citizens of Ankh on the far bank were bravely responding to this situation by feverishly demolishing the bridges."

Lol.

Wait, is this the fire that was described in the prologue?  IMMA GUESS YES.

We are now introduced to two characters: Weasel, who is short and cat-like, and a tall swordsman. They decide to rob someone approaching them, fleeing from the city, as they need money to buy food and 'a soft bed' (and probably ale because that's what fantasy characters always drink).

NOW FOOTNOTE TIME YAY


'Turnwise' and 'widdershins'? This is so great. Also RINCEWIND
<3 <3 <3

So, Rincewind's travelling companion, Twoflower (Discworld's first tourist; thank you blurb) started the fire, apparently. Meanwhile, a box-on-legs that is magical is also with Rincewind. This is EXCITING. Also, I was wrong about the ale; they are now drinking wine. The river is diverted to flood the city and put out the fire.

Wait. I assumed that Rincewind was the 'young cosmochelonian' in the prologue, but this would seem to suggest that he is not. I am intrigued.


OMG Twoflower has four eyes??? WTF. Also, loving how he 'says' ? and !. Ooh, now here's our Fagin character (maybs), Ymor! Lol Twoflower just paid for his lodgings with coins worth four times the value of the property. I guess that would be like dropping a casual mill as you left a B&B.


Oh man, I have to stop reading now. This chapter a day thing is killing me.

Gone - Chapter Four

297 Hours, 40 Minutes

The kids decide to head off to the plaza (makes sense), only to discover a building on fire! Luckily Sam is around to inexplicably redemonstrate his braveness and leadership skills! He's just like those forty kids standing around gawking, only better!

Okay, I'll stop with the ! now. But seriously.

So they have to save some babies and the hardware store. And Sam is all BAMF:

""Dudes: Not tomorrow. Now. Now. Go! Quinn? You better go with them. We want to wet down the hardware—that’s where the wind will take the fire next." Quinn hesitated. People were not getting this. How could they not see that they had to do something, not just stand around?"

Also, 'this isn't the Disney Channel'. Well thanks for reminding us about that, Sam.

The disappearances are a punishment. She is the reason.

Also, Edilio is here! How do you even say that name? E-dee-lee-oh? So many -ee sounds.

""If you’re going in there, wrap this around your face." Somehow Astrid had come up with a wet cloth, borrowed from someone and soaked. "Did I say I was going in there?" Sam asked."

You didn't have to say it, Sam. We all knew it was going to happen.

Okay, so now Sam (WHO IS FOURTEEN, GUYS. FOURTEEN) is crawling through the building trying to save someone. Probably the someone will turn out to be important because this is a book.

O. M. G.

THE GIRL JUST SHOT FIRE OUT OF HER HANDS WTFFFFFFFF


I guess this is those powers I've heard of, then.

"Not thinking, just reacting, Sam extended his arm, palm out. There was a flash of light, bright as an exploding star."

Sam has a power too? That makes sense. Astrid had better have a power or I will be so mad.

"She was black, black by race and from the coating of soot."

Oh Michael Grant. What amazing description work here. The little girl died though :-(. And Sam doesn't feel better knowing that there's other people with powers out there. Prediction: the school bully will get a power. C'mon. It's gotta happen.

Oliver Twist - Book the First, Chapter the Ninth

Containing further Particulars concerning the pleasant old Gentleman, and his hopeful Pupils

Dickens is being sarcastic, right? Because I don't think Fagin is pleasant at all.

Oooh Oliver is so sneaky that he's pretending to be asleep and Fagin is drawing 'from some trap in the floor, a small box' which contains a gold and diamond watch! And various other jewellery! He then does some mysterious muttering. From what I can other, there may be some more jewellery, but someone who knows something has been hanged (?)

He then notices Oliver is awake and picks up a knife (!) but Oliver fast-talks his way out of it (god i love this kid) and Fagin relaxes. Oliver thinks that Fagin's 'fondness' for taking care of young boys necessitates his living in such horrible conditions while possessing such valuables lol.

Also, Fagin calls Oliver 'my dear'. This seems weird to me.

More like, 'oh dear'.

Jack (am I supposed to call him 'the Dodger' now? It doesn't seem right) and a new guy, Charles, come back from stealing ham and pocketbooks. I'm pretty sure it's unhygienic to eat ham that's been hidden in someone's hat.

They then do some role-playing where Fagin gets Dodger and Charles to steal things from him.

Nancy (who I know is a prostitute) and Bet (who must be one too) go off to 'pad the hoof' with Charles and Dodger. Oliver doesn't understand this sexual innuendo.

LOLOLOLOL

Fagin gets Oliver to pickpocket him, calls him 'my dear' four more times, and starts teaching him in the ways of the thief. This is all getting very exciting.

The Colour of Magic - Prologue

So basically VERY EXCITE because I've been wanting to read this book for ageeees. And I went and got it from the library today!

EXCITING

And it looks like this and apparently the books are really really good and I'm so keen to read them all (I know there's like 40 but i don't even care) ahhh!!! Did I mention excited?!?!

So, all I know is that Discworld is a planet that's flat (and rimwise is a direction?) and it's carried on the back of a turtle (/elephants?) and it's just amazing in general. So. Here goes:

Well.

The prologue is only 2 pages but my expectations are so high that they were 2 good pages! So yeah, the Discworld is on elephants that are on a turtle and 'hubward'!

And a young 'cosmochelonian' (not sure if that's a real word but I won't look it up in case of spoilers) is the first person to witness "the burning of the oldest city in the world."...

Flipping through the book, it appears not to have chapters (BUT IT DOES HAVE FOOTNOTES AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING) so I'm not sure how I'll review it. Maybe every 15 pages or so?

I'm not sure how my review schedule is going to go; you may have noticed I'm not updating every book every day. I'll try and get 2 or 3 reviews a day up but it might only be 1. Probably won't be able to do 4.

Anne of Green Gables - Chapter Seven

Anne says her Prayers

Really? That is the title of this chapter: Anne says her Prayers.

So the chapter starts off with Marilla being all "tidy up your clothes or you're not a girl" AND THEN

"'I never say any prayers,' announced Anne. Marilla looked with horrified astonishment."

Okay, probably the only good thing about this book is the amount of horror that Anne can evoke in 'respectable' adults. She is obviously amazing and I hope Marilla (and Mrs Rachel Lynde!) will become better people because of Anne's influence.

 "Marilla decided that Anne's religious training must be begun at once. Plainly there was no time to be lost."

Oh dear, Marilla.

There's not much more to say really as this chapter is so short. It was suitably hilarious though.

Gone - Chapter Three

298 Hours, 5 Minutes

Switch back to Sam, Quinn and Astrid to create SUSPENSE! They meet some other kids who have no purpose in life now that their parents are gone. Sam tells the kids to eat a cookie then head for the plaza.

They go to Sam's house (Sam's dad has been out of Sam's life for years. FAMILY TRAUMA) and of course his mother isn't there. But he's hiding something from Astrid? Is it a shrine to her OMG

""Sometimes impossible things happen," Sam said. "No, they don't," Astrid argued. "The universe has laws. All the stuff we learn in science class. You know, like the laws of motion, or that nothing can go as fast as the speed of light. Or gravity. Impossible things don't happen. That’s what impossible means." Astrid bit her lip. "Sorry. It's not really the time for me to be lecturing, is it?""

It's ALWAYS lecture time with Astrid.

Okay, Sam just has a weird glowing light into his closet. This reminds of the windows in the air in His Dark Materials (best series ever, btw). So THAT'S why the book has focused on Sam; he already has a connection to impossible things.

OMG SAM'S MUM'S DIARY IS SO MYSTERIOUS AND THE CHAPTER JUST ENDED ZOMGGGG

Oliver Twist - Book the First, Chapter the Eighth

Oliver walks to London, and encounters on the Road a strange sort of young Gentleman

Is this the den of thieves? I assume that this occurs in London and maybe the Gentleman is one of the den? Idk.

Oliver decides to go to London because he has heard that it's a city of opportunity. I'm guessing he's going to have a lot more hardship. He walks 20 miles with only a crust of bread to eat :( and the next day walks 12, and he begs a coach to take him but they won't because he's too exhausted to run.

"In some villages, large painted boards were fixed up, warning all persons who begged within the district that they would be sent to jail, which frightened Oliver very much, and made him glad to get out of them with all possible expedition."

The little shopping arcade on my street has a sign banning busking or begging, too. I suppose the difference is that there are soup kitchens are various support networks available for homeless people now, which didn't exist in Dickens' time.


Luckily Oliver's life is saved by the fact that a couple of people are kind enough to give him food. After a week of walking, he's having a rest when he notices he's being watched.


This new character has 'bow-legs' and 'little sharp ugly eyes'.

I love finding photos that match snippets of description.

Well, the character has now confused Oliver (and me; beak? mill?) and has offered to buy him some food. I SMELL A RAT. This must be the 'young Gentleman' of the title, and I suspect that he will force Oliver to become a thief. Or something.


So after their meal, (Jack Dawkins has a beer lol), they're off to London, to the lodgings of a ''spectable old genelman' who will give Oliver lodgings for free! I know Oliver's 11 and has been starving his whole life but still, obviously a trap.


Ooh, Jack is known as 'The artful Dodger', a name on the blurb AND I KNOW I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE SOMEWHERE BUT WHERE?!


Man, England has some crazy names. 'Hockley-in-the-hole', for example. What is it even meant to mean?


So London is smelly and dirty and Dickens did NOT just insult the Irish!!! My people > all


Oh noooo! My excitement here about a 'merry old gentleman' was, I believe, directed at Fagin, an 'arch-villain' (according to the blurb) and described quite unappealingly in this passage! Oh irony


Well, Oliver's in the thieves den now, and I am reminded again of Dickens ability to keep me engrossed even when his language is impenetrable. I guess there's a reason he's one of the most famous writers ever...

Anne of Green Gables - Chapter Six

Marilla makes up her Mind

I've noticed that my reviews for this book are quite a lot shorter than for Oliver Twist and Gone, so I'll try and write a longer review for this chapter.

Marilla explains to Mrs Spencer that there's been 'a queer mistake' and the message has somehow got garbled from Mrs Spencer's brother Robert, to his daughter Nancy, and then to Mrs Spencer. Why didn't Marilla just ask Mrs Spencer directly? Maybe now she's learnt her lesson that MINOR BOOK CHARACTERS CAN NEVER BE TRUSTED.

Lesson. Learnt.

Luckily, Mrs Peter Blewett (I really hope that's her husband's name and not hers) is looking for a little orphan girl! But how can the book be Anne of Green Gables if Anne leaves Green Gables?! Answer: it can't so she obviously doesn't.

Mrs Peter is horrible and Marilla feels 'a qualm of conscience' about handing Anne over. Well gee, Marilla, at least you have a small conscience. But she knows Anne is so miserable that she won't let Mrs Peter take her! Orphans 1, cruel oppressors 0 (Actually orphans get 2 for Oliver's BAMF escape from his place of employment).

Lol, Anne insults Mrs Peter (I think, what's a gimlet?) and Marilla has to hide an amused smile.

"[The Cuthberts] soon find it hard to remember what Green Gables was like without Anne Shirley."

This quote is from the blurb and we can clearly see Marilla being won over yeah! Go Anne, you feisty orphan you.

Okay. Are they married, or siblings?? I think they must be siblings because she says she's never had kids and is an old maid, and Matthew's a bachelor, so they MUST be siblings.

Next chapter: Anne says her prayers! Although something else must happen too as its 4.5 pages long.

There, that's a bit more reasonable length!

Gone - Chapter Two

298 Hours, 38 Minutes

It's counting down...

Kids are wandering all over the shop, lost, dazed, and confused.

""First we see about our parents," Astrid said. "It's not like there aren't any adults anywhere." She didn't seem sure of that, so she amended it. "I mean, it's unlikely there are no adults."

Oh Astrid, you are FABULOUS.

ABSOLUTELY fabulous!

Hermione is personally my favourite Harry Potter character so if Astrid is ANYTHING like her (and she really seems to be) then <3.

Oh dear, their town has a nuclear power plant that had an accident 'ages ago'. Well, there is a 2000% chance that this will be a plot point somehow. Maybs the plant goes into meltdown with no-one to staff it and some kids get crazy mutant powers? I'm sure I read somewhere that some people have powers.

The nickname of their town is 'Fallout Alley' and no-one wants to move there "even though all the radioactive fallout had been cleaned up."

WELL GEE, I WONDER WHY?

Oh no, Quinn's losing his cool :s

"His voice got louder each time he yelled. Louder and faster, and the sob was clearer, harder for Sam and Astrid to pretend not to hear. "

:-( I feel for these kids. They are way to young for something like this to happen to them.

Good old Astrid has flicked the light switch! Dealing with sirius problems by logical rationalising ftw. And now they've decided it's god.

I've read Left Behind, by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins, which takes the same basic premise, with all Christians suddenly being removed from earth and taken to Heaven. I don't know how the series ends (I only read the one book) but I have a feeling that god isn't responsible here. But we'll see.

""Astrid's house next," Sam said. "She's closest." "You know where I live?"Astrid asked." 

LOL.

Oh Sam you stalker! Following people home is a BIG no-no.

Oh no, Astrid has an autistic brother called Pete and I'm guessing he's younger than her? Which means he's still around somewhere but he's not at the house.

Dun dun dun...

And now we switch to Lana and her Grandpa Luke, who are driving along in a pickup truck and WAIT WHAT'S THIS!?

"Your dad caught you sneaking vodka out of the house for some punk."

AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO WAS NOT A 14 YEAR OLD ALCOHOLIC?!?

SIRIUSLY!!!!!

Ok, the truck obviously crashed because her grandpa vanished, and she broke her arm ewww. I've broken my arm twice and it's not even fun. At least Patrick, her dog, is alive! Oh wait OMG VULTURES ARGH THE SUSPENSE

Oliver Twist - Book the First, Chapter the Seventh

Oliver continues refractory

Wikipedia's page on 'Refractory' was not particularly helpful to me in trying to understand what Dickens is saying (I'm guessing it's not the sexual meaning) but I'll read on anyway.

Noah runs all the way to the workhouse pausing 'not once for breath', to get Mr Bumble, who 'with a gleam of pleasure in his metallic eyes', is only too ready to listen to Noah. Metallic eyes?

My revised mental image of Mr Bumble.

The gentleman in the white waistcoat, passing, agrees with Noah, remarked that he always thought Oliver would be hung (which he did). They manage to twist (lol) Noah's words enough so that Oliver sounds even worse and send Mr Bumble (which I now hear in my head as talking like a robot) to cane Oliver.

THEN (and this is omg) Mr Bumble explains that Oliver has been overfed and now has 'a artificial spirit'. OKAY, BUMBLE, lets give all the orphans the minimum of gruel so they're too exhausted to challenge the status quo! If he wasn't made of metal I would SO strangle him right now.

You know what this next scene reminded me of? Harry Potter. Oliver and Mrs Sowerberry argue, with Mrsd Sowerberry telling Oliver that his mother 'deserved what [Noah] said, and worse'. Um, Aunt Petunia much? Mr Sowerberry then gives Oliver a 'drubbing'. So Oliver decides to escape.

This is very, very exciting to me. He's soooo brave! And he sees his old friend Dick who is dying :-( and Dick blesses Oliver and Oliver had never heard anyone say that before :((

And now he's off to London!

PS Since Refractory is 'the quality of a material to retain its strength at high temperatures' I'm guessing Dickens is talking about Oliver's steadfastness even while being abused?

Anne of Green Gables - Chapter Five

Anne's History

Oooh, backstory!

My god, Anne is chatty. It's actually slightly ridiculous. I can see why Marilla would get a bit frustrated, although she's still not treating Anne very well.

"I guess it doesn't matter what a person's name is as long as he behaves himself,' said Marilla"

Um, maybe because Marilla is a horrible name and you were probably teased at school? Oh wait you probably didn't go to school, you 1800's girl you.

Anne's parents died from fever when she was only 3 months old :(

Anne then went to live with a succession of carers, all of whom seemed to die, which is even more depressing.

Marilla's cold, cold heart is being turned to loooove...

The next chapter is 'Marilla makes up her Mind' so OBVIOUSLY she's going to keep Anne. Poor, sad, Anne.

Gone - Chapter One

I've decided to start reading Gone by Michael Grant.

Here it is.

So we'll see how this goes, shall we?

299 Hours, 54 Minutes

What do these numbers meannn

All I know about the book is that everyone over the age of 14 disappears? I think. Although those people on the front cover look waaaaay older than 14. She's wearing lipstick!

We're introduced to a whole host of characters straight away: Sam, who I assume is the protagonist; Mary, who I feel is like Hermione for some reason; Quinn, Sam's best friend; Edilio (?) a 'potentially interesting' kid; and 'Bouncing Bette'. What does that even refer to?

Okay, it turns out the Hermione character is actually Astrid Ellison, who's doing University stuff (at 13? wtf) and is a possible love interest for Sam!

Okay wait, time for exciting maths:

"On the chalkboard you could quite clearly see "Polyn." "She was writing the word 'polynomial,'" Astrid said in a church-voice whisper. "Yeah, I was going to guess that," Sam said dryly. "I had a polynomial once," Quinn said. "My doctor removed it.""

Oh maths. How I <3 thee.

Okay, it's flashback Sam time. It turns out he's quite average and doesn't exactly have a place in the school (how original). And he dialled 911 after his bus driver had a heart attack when he was like 12. The man.

OK WAIT, he also STEERED THE BUS ONTO THE SHOULDER OF THE ROAD AND PARKED IT SAFELY

"If he had hesitated for even a second, the bus would have plunged off a cliff and into the ocean."

Now maybe it's just me, but that does NOT sound like a typical 13 year old. And I know that the author wouldn't choose to write a book with a scared fool as the protagonist, but siriusly? Siriusly.

Quinn says "brah". LOVE

Oh god, there's no internet? YOU MIGHT AS WELL ALL DIE NOW, CHILDREN

No TV either??? WHYYYYYY

Okay, they're fourteen, which is obviously SO much better because it means that they're, like, mature now?

Sam and Quinn are scared about their 'moms' but (wait for this) Quinn is wearing shades. He's 14, in school, and is wearing sunglasses. Um, what. Oh well, they're going home to check out their families, which is pretty typical for someone in that situation I would think.

Now the next chapter seems to be counting down the numbers in its title? 300 hours is 12.5 days, so I'm guessing that's the timespan of the book. Maybe it's counting down to someone's birthday? As long as it's not Quinn or Astrid because they're my FAVES

Anne of Green Gables - Chapter Four

Morning at Green Gables

I'm lovin' Anne because of her imaginative descriptions and childhood innocence.

But oh no, here's Marilla:

"'It's time you were dressed,' she said curtly."

Oh Marilla. We all know you're going to stop hatin' Anne soon enough. Just give in. She's so adorable.

After another page-long monologue (!) Anne goes to breakfast WITHOUT TURNING BACK THE BEDCLOTHES. This will obviously result in the death of a dolphin.

Now Anne, who has been allowed to play, is declining because 'There is no use is loving things if you have to be torn from them". Actually, Anne, isn't love of any kind still vital?

Bonny the geranium! This is so ridiculous that I lol'd. And Snow Queen the cherry-tree! Anne is actually great.

I'm planning to start reading/reviewing a third book (crazy, I know), but I think I'll get something quite a bit more recent. I have The Old Curiosity Shop and Robinson Crusoe sitting on my bedside table but I really feel like something more modern for a change. I might go to the library tomorrow.

Oliver Twist - Book the First, Chapter the Sixth

I know, I know! It's called 'Chapter a Day Book Reviews' and it's been almost a week since my last post. I'm sorry. I'll try and keep it regular from now on, but I can't make any promises.

Oliver, being goaded by the Taunts of Noah, rouses into Action, and rather astonishes him

Oh dear :s

So, Oliver becomes very popular with people because of his funeral work. In fact, he receives

"the indescribable admiration and emotion of all the mothers in the town."

If there wasn't another 410 pages to go (I'm 9.89% finished, guys!), I could almost think that Oliver will stay where he is and grow up, certainly not happy and healthy, but at least alive. But I doubt it.

Noah is now being even more horrible to Oliver because he's jealous of Oliver's success, and Charlotte and Mrs Sowerberry are being horrible as well. Wikipedia explained to me that Charlotte is the Sowerberry's maidservant (and also that she's in love with Noah, oops) so that clears that mystery up.

"And now I come to a very important passage in Oliver's history, for I have to record an act, slight and unimportant perhaps in appearance, but which indirectly produced a most material change in all his future prospects and proceedings."

WHAT IS IT

I'm guessing Oliver's courage will shine through again when he challenges Noah. I hope it makes Oliver sound like the man (because he clearly is anyway).

Okay, Noah's about to get 'rather personal'. Raaaathar. This should be quotable.

I was right!

"'Tol de rol lol lol, right fol lairy, work'us', said Noah,"

Okay, first of all, WHAT. I don't even. Secondly, DID CHARLES DICKENS INVENT LOL?!? He is my new idol if this is true (and I already <3 him for being on Doctor Who).

Dammit Noah, insulting Oliver for having a dead mother is REALLY the lowest of the low. I would siriusly know.

OMG Oliver strangled Noah and threw him to the ground LIKE A BOSS YESSSSS

And now they're sending for Mr Bumble and have locked Oliver in a room. And so this chapter actually ends on a cliffhanger and I am excited to see what happens next!

Anne of Green Gables - Chapter Three

Marilla Cuthbert is Surprised

Okay, I'm so excited right now for Marilla to be flabbergasted.

"'Matthew Cuthbert, who's that?' she ejaculated."

Lol @ ejaculated. Also, must she call her husband (brother?) by his full name? After Anne has a little cry:

"Something like a reluctant smile, rather rusty from long disuse, mellowed Marilla's grim expression."

Rusty smile? Marilla has a rusty smile. Just say that out loud. How stupid does it sound? Rusty smile.

Marilla is actually hilarious. Even though she's treating Anne as if she's not as good as herself, and is unworthy of being treated well, it just comes off as humourous. Unlike in Oliver Twist, where it's horrible.

Well, obviously Anne is going to stay otherwise there wouldn't be a book (and there's a series of nine more but I'm not planning to read those).

"The whole apartment was of a rigidity not to be described in words, but which sent a shiver to the very marrow of Anne's bones."

People are so horrible to orphans! If I ever meet one I will be extra nice.

Okay, I probably shouldn't use so many quotes in my review, but "Marilla's astonishment could not have been greater if Matthew had expressed a predilection for standing on his head."? Seriously? This woman is the queen of over-reacting.

Anne cried herself to sleep :(:(:(:(:(

Oliver Twist - Book the First, Chapter the Fifth

I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday! Unexpected engagements popped up.

Oliver mingles with new Associates, and, Going to a Funeral for the first time, forms an unfavourable Notion of his Master's Business

Oliver (who's still only 8 I'm pretty sure) is now scared that there might be monsters in the coffins.

Terrifying.

Ok, he's actually eleven, and now some new random is going to beat him up
:(

He's called Noah, and he's Oliver's new boss. Charlotte (Noah's boss's wife?) tells Noah to leave Oliver alone, to which Noah replies that Oliver's parents have left Oliver alone his entire life. Charlotte and Noah share 'a hearty laugh'.

whyyyyyyyy

Okay, now Oliver is to become a 'mute' for children: someone who stands silently during children's funerals. Mr Bumble (who seems to keep cropping up) supplies Mr Sowerberry with the details of a recent death so he can arrange a funeral.

Dickens is throwing this anti-establishment message at us pretty hard, isn't he? The worst part is that the poverty isn't exaggerated :s

Anne of Green Gables - Chapter Two

Matthew Cuthbert is Surprised

Pre-reading prediction: he will be surprised that Anne is not a boy.

Matthew rides along to the station, thinking that all woman laugh at him, and walks right past Anne when he gets there. The station master fully shuts him down, as well:

"'...Maybe they were out of boys of the brand you wanted.' He walked jauntily away, being hungry..."

Ah, the good old days when after delivering earth-shattering news, you wandered off because you were hungry. Matthew is then too scared to tell Anne there's been a mistake, and they go off to Green Gables together, Anne being given (several) full page monologues. After being described as a 'freckled witch' (lol), Anne makes Matthew quite dizzy with all her talking.

Anne and Matthew. No idea where it's from.

Anne makes up all kinds of lovely names for the landmarks they pass, and then they drive past Rachel's house:

"...it was already quite dark, but not so dark that Mrs Rachel could not see them from her window vantage."

 That crazy stalker! I hope Anne teaches her a lesson.

Now we're at the end of the chapter and I can't WAIT to see how Marilla reacts to Anne's arrival.

Oliver Twist - Book the First, Chapter the Fourth

Oliver, being offered another Place, makes his first Entry into Public Life

I am hopeful that Oliver will soon be treated well even though I know it is unlikely! Maybe he'll get some money like Pip in Great Expectations (verrrrry boring book btw. Don't read it).

OH NO Dickens is talking about sending people to sea! I dearly hope that Oliver does not at all go to sea because the sea is horrible:

"...the skipper would either flog him to death, in a playful mood, some day after dinner, or knock his brains out with an iron bar..."

Well, that was a satisfying dinner! I feel like playing a game now! Let's play WHIP ORPHANS TO DEATH!

No. Just no.

Mr Bumble goes out looking for a ship to dump Oliver on, but instead bumps into Mr Sowerberry, (is that pronounced sour-berry? These names are ridiculous), the undertaker (!). And it turns out Mr Sowerberry wants an apprentice. So Oliver goes to live with him.

AND HAS TO SLEEP WITH THE COFFINS!!!

Why is everything soooo horrible?

Anne of Green Gables - Chapter One

So, I thought I'd shake things up by reading another book about an orphan at the same time as I'm reading Oliver Twist. Anne of Green Gables was first published in 1908, so it's only 102 (103? The new year is so confusing) years old, and therefore will hopefully be easier to read!

Mrs Rachel Lynde is Surprised

In this chapter we meet Rachel, who sounds a bit like an obsessive-compulsive stalker:

"Rachel Lynde was one of those capable creatures who can manage their own concerns and those of other folks into the bargain."

Mmm, no thanks.

Maybe Anne will loosen up Rachel and get her away from knitting and running the Sunday school? We also meet Rachel's husband who is "meek" hahaha. It sounds like he would have to be. 

I just read through the chapter list and I cannot wait for Chapter 9, 'Mrs Rachel Lynde is Properly Horrified'. It sounds great.

Rachel stalking leads her to investigate Matthew Cuthbert, who is shy and unrevealing, as she sees him riding off in his best clothes.

"Mrs Rachel, ponder as she might, could make nothing of it, and her afternoon's enjoyment was spoiled."

So she's only happy when she knows exactly what everyone around her is doing. She sounds like a fab control freak.

We now meet Marilla, Matthew's sister/wife(?) when Rachel decides to do a bit of snooping to find out what Matthew is up to. I have to say, Rachel IS observant. I suspect that Matthew has gone to pick up Anne, as Green Gables is the name of their house.

I was right:

"'Yes, of course,' said Maria, as if getting boys from orphan asylums in Nova Scotia were part of the usual spring work on any well-regulated Avonlea farm instead of being an unheard-of innovation."

Lol.

Rachel tells Marilla not to get an orphan, citing various cases in which orphans were unruly/murderous. Marilla then has a (slightly sexist?) mini-rant about how they're not getting a girl.

Oh Marilla, don't you understand that as a book character things will never happen the way you want them to?

Oliver Twist - Book the First, Chapter the Third

Relates how Oliver Twist was Very Near Getting a Place, Which Would Not Have Been a Sinecure

I headed off to Wiktionary to discover what a sinecure was, and learnt that it means 'a position that requires no work but still gives a payment'. This is a fair description of the chimney sweeping work he is offered by Mr Gamfield.

Not very much happens in this chapter, to be honest. A lot of adults are very horrible to Oliver, except the magistrates, who notice that he is unhappy and forbid him to go with Mr Gamfield. Oliver is returned to solitary confinement and the poster advertising him is put back up again.

I suspect, however, that we have not seen the last of Mr Gamfield, as I find it unlikely that he would be introduced so pointlessly. This chapter ends exactly how it begins (everyone hates Oliver a bit more, but that's the only difference), and I don't think Dickens would have put such a random chapter in here for no reason. But we'll see.

Oliver Twist - Book the First, Chapter the Second

Treats of Oliver Twist's Growth, Education, and Board

Does he mean 'treatment' when he uses the word treats? Slightly confusing.

So, in the second chapter, we learn about Oliver growing up. And he has a hard life. After using some extraordinarily long sentences (81 words!) we learn that Oliver is 'farmed' to another workhouse 3 miles off (so there goes my theory about him being brought up by drunk nurse), and supervised by an old lady who takes most of the money allotted for the care of the children and spends it on herself:

"thereby finding in the lowest depth a deeper still".

 The woman gets the children to exist "upon the smallest possible portion of the weakest possible food", and a very large number of them die.

I can see why Oliver will run away.

Also, they always know when inspections will be, so the children can be made to look all neat. Grrr, ill-treatment of children really infuriates me.

And now we fast-forward to Oliver's eighth birthday, and are introduced to two new characters: Mrs Mann, the "good lady of the house" (I already hate her), and Mr Bumble the beadle (a type of policeman I think).

Wait.

His name is MR BUMBLE?? How could anyone ever take him seriously.

What I imagine Mr Bumble looks like.

Mr Bumble is angry at being locked out, but Mrs Mann flatters him and he calms down. Also, he has a cane and is fat. They go into the brick-floored (?!) parlour, and Mr Bumble has some gin (and is pleased to hear that Mrs Mann gives it to the children, although as they gave children opium, gin is not so bad). No-one's ever found Oliver's dad, and Mr Bumble named Oliver.

Prediction: Oliver's dad will turn up again later in the book. Maybe as a thief, or maybe as dead, but he won't just be dropped.

"...Oliver was then led away by Mr Bumble from the wretched home where one kind word or look had never lighted the gloom of his infant years."

:-(

He's interviewed by the board (and he gets confused and thinks it's going to be a living piece of wood which is amusing), and is told he has to pick 'oakum' by picking apart old rope. Apparently it rips up your fingers.

I'm not quite sure I understood the next bit, but a law was passed that made more poor people die by a combination of less food and more work? However, the end bit of the chapter I understood very well.

"'Please, sir, I want some more.'"

Even though Oliver was chosen by lot to go up and ask, he's very brave! And I've heard this line of the story before, of course, it's very well-known. Oliver is abused by the master (I hate him now too), and Mr Bumble is called. The next exchange was quite amusing:

"The board were sitting in solemn conclave when Mr Bumble rushed into the room in great excitement, and addressing the gentleman in the high chair, said, - 'Mr Limbkins, I beg your pardon, sir; - Oliver Twist has asked for more.' There was a general start. Horror was depicted on every countenance."

The amusement vanishes when Mr Limbkins orders that Oliver is to be hung! (And shouldn't it be hanged?) The gentleman in the white waistcoat puts up a poster saying they'll pay someone 5 pounds to take Oliver off their hands. And that's the end of the chapter.

Now, the blurb definitely says he runs away, so either someone takes him and then he runs away, or he just runs away. I'm not sure what it will be, especially as he's locked in solitary confinement at the moment. However, I am quite excited to find out tomorrow!